Before I knew Christ, I both loved and hated myself. I loved gratifying the desires of my flesh, and pursued the pleasures of sin with all my heart; but I hated myself for it.
I hated my weakness and dependence on things that I knew were wrong, and yet I also hated my inability to indulge in them more. I wanted the things I wanted, but I didn’t like myself for wanting them. I was one of those of whom it was said,
“Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them.”
I was sold as a slave to sin, a dead man walking for whom there seemed no hope of ever gaining freedom.
But Jesus died to Himself to save me from myself! Unlike me, He loved not His life even unto death, but for the joy before Him endured the cross so that I might be liberated from self-created narcissistic slavery.
His salvation is so complete that I no longer have a “self” apart from Him; my now life is hidden with Christ, and it is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And even now, He calls me to die to myself daily so that I might gain Him.
“When Christ who is your life appears, you shall also appear with Him in glory.”
Wherever I go, sin is close at hand; it crouches at the door, and its desire is for me. But I no longer hate myself, because sin is no longer the source of my life and desire—it is no longer me.
“Thanks be to God, through Christ Jesus our Lord!”